How do you make a real life out of scraps?

I can remember, more then once, being asked by a therapist, "what do you want to work on first?"  Automatically I could feel this tightening in my stomach and this slightly panicky feeling.  Umm, well, hmm, there's a lot.  I don't know what came first, I don't know which are causes of other symptoms and which are symptoms of those causes.  Does that make sense?  Its ok if it doesn't because it doesn't to me either.  Nothing does.  How did I end up being thirty-eight obese, depressed, isolated and feeling like I don't know where I belong?  Ok, I was sexually abused from a very young age by both my Mother's partner and her Father, so we could talk about that.  That is in the past, but it still bothers me, but today I feel more depressed and like my life is joylessly passing me by, so maybe that.  Or, better yet, lets talk about my weight, I don't know if my obesity is because I am a compulsive over eater to soothe myself, just because I am, or is it a result of the abuse, the depression, the medication I have to take for the depression which can also cause weight gain, or a combination of two or more of those, in any order, so we could start there too.  Or, better yet the emotional distance I feel from my family, the disconnect, maybe that is a better starting ground?  Hmm, how about if we write out all my issues on little slips of paper, put them all in a bowl, I'll need a big one, and we can make a draw.

How do you know where you want to start when you don't know where you are or how you arrived there?  If you are living a Life By Accident and just making random starts and jumping off here and there how do you know where to begin?  Is this the beginning?  The beginning of what?  Or is it the middle because I am almost forty?  Or is it the end because I feel so shitty?  Therapists should not ask me where I want to begin because I don't know where the starting line is, how to get there or what I will need.  I need someone to pick me up, drive me to where we are going and tell me where to start, how to begin, equip me all the right tools and offer me some liquid self-esteem.  Where is that person?

Crap!  Inside of me?  Right.  I was afraid of that, master of my own ship, captain of my own destiny type of shit.  Fine.  I'll try, again.  So far I have done the gym, Diet Centre, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, about five different therapists and the Hoffman Quadrinity Program, meditation, yoga, retreats, journaling and I'm sure there is more.  The only one I would recommend when you are an emotional mess is the H.Q.P.  (Hi Dale and Dale if you ever read this)  You can't lose weight when your emotions are running amuck, like a child out of control, and the only way you have to cope is eating and sleeping.  Oh, maybe the eating and sleeping lead to obesity, which worsens my depression, making me feel less like going out into the real world....  back on the merry go round, again, with a bag of fast food in one hand, wishing I was thin and healthy on the other.

Ok, so now you know a little about where I am physically, emotionally and psychologically.  Now what?  What can I do that I haven't tried before?  What will work for me?  What will be different this time?  Me?  Again?  Oh.  That scares the shit out of me.  I want so much to be the outgoing, vibrant, confident, healthy woman that I have been before, but attempting to get back there overwhelms me.  Who the fuck am I trying to kid?  These days, taking a shower overwhelms me.

I watch and cry with sporatic regularity the show Extreme Makeover - Home Edition.  I cry for the families and feel their pain and celebrate with them when they come home.  They are always so strong and so amazing.  I always end up turning it off wondering why them and not me?  How are they able to overcome such heartache and get through everyday with a smile, while accomplishing huge things and I can't even find the energy or the will to vacuum.  Last night there was a lady named Shawna who had fought breast cancer and won, as had her Mom.  (Tangent - her Mom felt guilty as though she had given  Shawna breast cancer.  I think that what she gave her was her "surviverness."  If her mom hadn't shown her how to pull through it and keep going, maybe she wouldn't have had the strength that she did.  Ok, back to the blog, Shawna had radiation, chemotherapy, a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy, at twenty five.  While this was going on, she still stayed involved in raising money for breast cancer.  WOW!!!  How many kudos does she deserve for that?  I am in awe of her.

As much as I admire her, I also can't help but compare myself to her and find myself coming up short.  I can't even do the day to day things, or finish my education and I am relatively healthy, while she is gravely ill and working miracles.  After the show I went to bed and had the random thought of how is it that some people do such huge, miraculous things and others of us do nothing?  Is there something that I should be doing?  Yeah, my laundry, my floors, changing the sheets, emptying out the car, taking out the garbage, unloading the dishwasher, de-cluttering...  But really is there something big that I should be doing?  Something to raise money and awareness for somebody, somewhere?  Something that will make a difference to others and stop me from focusing inward much of the time.

Then tonight, as I get ready to end another day of fighting the blahs and feeling like I have so much to do that I don't even start, it occurs to me that I need to walk.  That's it.  It just came to me in a flash, maybe because that is what Shawna organizes, but I need to walk.  I need to walk because I am obese, because I need cardiovascular exercise in the worst way, I am 120 lbs over my healthiest weight ever, I need time to process things, to get out of the house, to figure out who I am, where I want to go, what I want to do with my life and what I want to be when I grow up.  So, right, I need to figure out what I want to work on first.

And I don't just mean any walk, I have gone on a few 'round the neighborhood walks but never keep it up.  I need to start walking and not stop.  I need to organize my life so that I can start to walk off 120 lbs!!!  I need to figure out which cause is the closest to my heart....there are so many to choose from; eating disorders (did I mention that one before?), depression, PTSD, obesity and childhood sexual abuse.  Or, maybe about how the criminal justice system, and civil justice system, both worked to cover the ass of the perpetrator in my case.  He was found guilty but had a lawyer who found legal loopholes and he got off....oops I'm back from my tangent, that is for another day.  Or, maybe its simply women's  issues in general but men are affected by all these things too, so I really don't know.  Maybe it is childhood sexual abuse because all the other issues probably stem from there. 

If I can figure out a way, no, I will figure out a way to do this.  I need to.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life stuck.  Wondering about what I could have done but didn't.  I never tried to sing in public, or really learn to play my guitar well or any of the other dreams I had, so I will do this!  I will raise money and awareness for some important cause, yes, most likely child sexual abuse.  Will it be hard?  Yes.  I am so scared at the thought.  I know my brother will roll his eyes and think I'm being ridiculous, perhaps I'll get to hear the "oh you're back on that again", like I did in May when he was here.  Mom will wish I would just "get on with things."  She doesn't want to listen when I am upset, she just tells me "I know, you told me all of this before."  Oh, another tangent, and yes, another topic for another day.  It will be embarassing, I just had this shudder go through me at the thought, I know that all the shame I feel will come up again.  Maybe this time I can leave it behind me on the road.